clarity.

last post published a month ago.
ugh.

much has changed in a month.
lost friends. restored and revitalized old friendships.
watched my hopes for graduating in May 2010 go up in unapologetic flames.
left internships.
affirmed how much i can't stand my family.
job hunted. and all that jazz.

hmmmmm....where do i begin?
most important were my plans for school. the story is very very very involved. and entails delving into my childhood and my relationship with my mother and father dearest. its exhausting even thinking about it to be honest.
so i'll be brief as i possibly can because this needs to get off my chest and out into the universe.

not long after my last post. my mother [with whom i have a very tumultuous, difficult relationship] dropped the bombshell of a lifetime and said that i need to find my own way (financially) to school.
big deal?
sort of.
i wasn't really upset about the fact that she decided not to help fund my education (even though that was our arrangement and in may she even sent me an e-mail confirming this fact and laying out the details of her financial contribution for my last year).
no.
that wasn't what made me very nearly have a stroke. or at the very least, a nervous breakdown. it was the fact that this was made known to me mid-july.
halfway through the summer. a little over a month before i was supposed to return to school.
which is out of state by the way.
halfway through a summer in which i took a huge pay cut in order to work for free interning like a good rising senior should be. and only getting paid part-time at my other job.
yep.
so pretty much i was broke. and what was worse. was that she didn't reach out to contact me to let me know this. i had to contact her. after much ignored calls, texts, and e-mails.
'tis a sad thing.

anyhoo.
i scrambled. quit the unpaid internship. strategized. exhausted all possible options. to arrive here.
deciding not to return this semester in order to work save some money up and return full-time next year.
don't worry. anyone who knows me knows I can't live without school. so a year off is my max. and i'll be taking a class or 2 to keep my brain fresh and all that.

as for my mom. i don't hate her. i'm not mad either.
i've spent the majority of my childhood hating her. well maybe not hate. hate is a strong word. i don't think its in my realm of capabilities to hate her. being angry at her is probably more appropriate.
then the very early years of my adulthood trying to reconcile my relationship with her. forcing something that couldn't be. attempting to gain an acceptance and respect from her that was virtually impossible.
and now. still young of course.
accepting the fact that she and i will always be polar opposites. with different worldviews and attitudes. that our relationship for now needs a lonnnnngggggggg break. but will never be what i want it to be.

and in a way. while i'm not overtly religious, i can acknowledge that this situation is proving itself to be a blessing in disguise.
i'm grateful to be independent and completely free from my mother's financial grip on me. [while i appreciate everything my mother has done for me these past 3 years have been nothing short of hell. complete with her abusing financial power and dragging me through the gatdamn coals everytime it was time to go to school. i kid you not]
i'm humbled in more ways than one.
and preparing to be proud as shit when i graduate because of ME.
it will not be easy. not at all.

but i'm okay with that.

xo