excuse me.

and my absence. it was much needed i assure you.
i'm still not sure how to broach it. how to explain it and not sound positively absolutely nuts.
so i won't. at least for right now.
but i did see with an overwhelming clarity what the new direction my life has taken.

[believe me i'm not tryna get all spirtualholierthanthouselfrighteous on you, i swear.]

i saw all my relationships. romantic and platonic. friendly and familiar. with new eyes.
i saw the necessary breaks. slight fissures. and severed ties with a new understanding.
i saw my past. present. and future. colliding with undeniable force.

i look at my life suspended in time at this exact date one year ago today.
every decision i made wrong. if i could've only known what was right. if i could've only made the right decision.
now i see with new eyes. no right. no wrong.
i made the decisions best for me at the time. nothing is coincidence. the pieces fell into place appropriately.

breaking the mr. right-now's heart. for mr. seemingly oh-so-wrong's
getting on that plane to jamaica. to face the irreversible betrayal of my"friends".
the fight that officially ended an era. my thrown blows that brought me here.
and the disaster and panic that ensued from my losing him.

i could have never imagined. in a million years that the deep. dark. startling depression that followed would have ever led to this.
my ability to exhale. to breathe. in the hopefulness. in the understanding. in the knowledge that it is over.
to no longer be braced with the anxiety that more catastrophes are looming in the horizon. i know now more than ever that everything bad and good in the past several years has brought me to this point.
an absolute necessity.
and now i'm happy. content. relaxed. which is all i could've asked for.