if i was your best friend.

every so often it happens.
i sink.
low.
into the murky depths of depression. get all sad and uncontrollably emotional. because i lost him you know. him being my ex. he died. march 22, 2008. shot in the chest. you know when you lose someone you love...or loved. (or maybe i was right the first time). you constantly yearn for their presence. even if you didn't out loud. when they lived.

----->"people never get the flowers while they can still smell em." preach kanye.

nearly a year later. it is still hard. yeah i'm in a relationship. but i desire the deep heartfelt discussion that should've happened but never did. the things left unsaid. by me. by him. the unanswered messages from him. by me. can i do that over?

not because he's dead. because i always wanted to. but i thought i had the time. i never knew. i couldn't fathom the possibility. you know?

but. i guess if i could do it all over again. i would relive it with a billion times the zest and passion. cherish it. it would be as vivid and distinct as it is now. instead of as blurred and understated as it was then. yeah. i would do it all over again. not to change the outcome. though that would have been nice. but just to make it real. to feel it for real. again.

i don't wanna reach for nothingness anymore. sometimes i just don't feel like it. can i just see? hear? feel? him. because i forgot the way his voice sounds. this is why it hurts. it's just how i feel.