[de]growth.

as a child. adolescent. teenager. i spent my days and nights wishing desperately to hit the fast forward button and be catapulted into adulthood. free from the reigns of authority. to the utopia called the "real" world. where curfews ceased to exist. parental objections are muted whispers. independence...a given.

yet. here i am. an adult for nearly a mere 3 years. the excitement worn off. realizing how completely retarded and delusional my childhood thinking was. wishing i'd heeded my mother's warning against growing up too fast. faced with grown-up stress. grown-up bills. grown-up responsibility. grown-up disappointments. no longer shielded by the protective force that is my mother.

yet. when i go to the bar. drink myself into oblivion. go to the store. buy some blacks. smoke until my lungs shrivel and beg for mercy. stumble into my own house laughing because i tripped up the steps. at 5 a.m. reveling in the awesomeness that was my night. acting a damn fool for no other reason than the fact that i can. i think.

"fuck this. being a grown-up is awesome"

i make it to the top of the steps. still plagued by a serious fit of the giggles. enter the bathroom. close the door behind me. hopping up and down. needing to relieve myself of the gallon of alcohol stretching my bladder to unnatural proportions. glance down at an empty roll of toilet paper. double take and realize. there's no more. hurling every expletive in the universe i rummage through my entire house searching for some sort of tissue. no napkins. no paper towels. no kleenex. nada. zip zilch.

and i sit on the steps. dejected. irritated. having to pee like shit. sans toilet paper. mumbling.

"fuck being a grown-up."

[ugh.]